(What is the oldest kid chore in the world? Fetching water. So glad they experienced hauling a bucket up a hill for the good of the family.)

(This is a submission for the Homeschool Country Fair, which rumor has it is looking for posts about the typical back-to-school queries homeschoolers receive…thanks to Ron for the heads up!)

This time of year, friends and family and most especially acquaintances are trying very hard to make small talk with the homeschoolers in their lives about that little awkward issue, school. They can’t help it really, the buzz is in the air. The smell of pencil shavings and hand sanitizer wafts through the neighborhoods and back-to-school sales near you. The kids need long pants and thick shirts and so the parents are out in droves, frantically trying to gather the equipment to get them through another long flu season of daily school. I am not immune to the hub bub. The idea of 10 cent erasers and $5 jeans draws me out to the markets too.

And on the playgrounds and in the waiting areas of kid related stuff, the parent talk is on just that one issue. School. When do they go back? Mine go back the 28th, when do yours? Not until September? Yes, but we get out a week earlier. She likes her new teacher. I am worried, they say that 3rd grade gets harder. I can’t wait to get them away from the tube. They are so bored. They don’t want to go back. Oh, the homework shuffle again! They are having the time of their lives. I am looking forward to the structure, the free time, the freedom, getting back to work, not running to pick them up from every camp on earth, etc… I am dreading not seeing them, not taking them to the beach, the zoo, the park. Not having them around. These are some of the things I overhear every year.

About then it occurs to folks to ask what I think about this back to school hubbub. Usually, if they know I homeschool they have one thing to say. Oh, we’ve all heard it 300 times and I’ve commented on it in this blog about 20 times. They say, “I don’t know how you do it.” My aunts, my good friends, my mom, even my husband has said it upon occasion. And when they say it to me I usually say something like “I don’t either. But thank God for beer.” Just to lighten the mood. And because they all know I am excited to have like a beer a week.

But when someone I don’t know well says that, I have always stumbled with the reply. I mean, what does it mean really? Is it a reflection on them? Are they saying “I can’t stand this kid stuff” ? Or are they sort of back-handedly asking me how I really do it? Are they looking for an admission of insanity? Or a testomonial of confidence? Or do they really want to do it? What is it they hope to learn/feel/know by this exchange?! I’ve said it before, if they want any real information, they’ve probably come to the wrong place. Tentative attempts to explain how I actually cope never met with enthusiasm from anybody except prospective homsechoolers. Admissions of insanity have always led to suspicious looks and quick subject changes. Testomials of confidence, ditto. If, in some secret part of their hearts they wonder if they could stay home 24-7 with their school aged kids, they probably would’ve taken a different approach in bringing it up. So…..
After 6 years of homeschooling I am happy to say I’ve finally hit on the correct formula for this question, or any question about homeschooling directed towards you or yours. It is best to think of it as a friendly game of tennis. The ball is in your court, but you are supposed to lob it right back. An open-ended comment such as “I don’t know how you do it,” is supposed to be shrugged off quickly before you bring it back to them. Example “I don’t either. But you, don’t you drive them to school every day? That must be nuts before work.”

You see, I paid attention to how those conversations go among the school chats, and that’s what they all do. “Yes, we start on the 28th. Can’t wait.” “Oh really? I’m sort of sad. But then, we get out in late May. So, we get a nice vacation usually. When do yours get out again?” “June. But we get 2 weeks at Spring break. The kids need that by then. With all the homework. Do yours get swamped?” “Oh, they hate it. 2 hours a night sometimes. Can you get yours to do it all at once?” And onward. Lob it back. That is the point. Homeschoolers often miss this point and see the questions as an all- out attack or attempt to discover why you bother. But the truth is, those parents are just trying to get you in the volley. To be polite. To be reassured that your life is in someway similar to theirs. And of course it is. And maybe to hear an unboring answer sometimes, but not too shocking because that means you’re playing hardball….not friendly-like. And they don’t really care why you bother. Because they know schooling is mandatory and they do not think of homeschooling as not schooling. It is just any other type school to them. When they say to their kid’s teacher, “How do you do it?!” the question is hypothetical. They don’t want a blow by blow.
You don’t believe me? Here are some other examples you could experience in the following weeks. Your responses will either keep things fluid and comfie, or meet with blank stares. Try lobbing it back for fun.
Polite query in the library by someone in your babysitting co-op,”Are you still homeschooling?” Answer, “Yes we are actually. And is Adam in 3rd grade already? My gosh!”

Small talk query at the park by stranger, “So, ready to send them back next week?” Answer, hoping to avoid the whole talk, “Yup!” “Do they go to____?” Giving up hope, “No. We homeschool. I hear _______ is nice though. Is that where your kids go?”

Information exchange query at swim class, by someone you usually sit with and swap recipes, stories, etc…”What do you do for testing? How do you know they’re ready for __ grade? Do you use some sort of curriculum?” “Every state has different laws. I think most parents know what their child has learned and traditional methods of assessment aren’t really needed. But that’s just us. Are they doing standardized tests this year at your school? Is it frustrating?”

Standard query from someone without kids who has never considered homeschooling except from a stereotypical perspective-usually a stranger, “What about socialization?” This is tough. Not because you don’t have a million answers to unleash upon the unsuspecting curious person who can’t seem to understand the barely contained frustration bubbling under the surface of your strained smile…..it is just that 9 times out of 10, they don’t have kids. So you can’t somehow steer the topic back to their kids and be done with it. People with kids usually know how socialization can occur at the drop of a hat. It all starts when kids are in the womb and people need to touch your belly. Then when they are babies, folks have to coo at them. When the kid starts to wave and smile, socialization never fails.

So, you might have to tweak the response a little. Go out on a limb, say something like, “Socialization? Oh, well we don’t have to worry about that, because my child has a bug collection that he talks to.”

Or maybe pat them on the shoulder as condescendingly as you can muster and say “Someday you’ll have children and they’ll have those kids to play with, after school. And one weekends and holidays.”

Whatever you do, don’t start enumerating the ways in which your child is pathologically social, like saying hi to the butcher, and visiting the fire fighter every day, and being a mother’s helper for the neighbor’s toddler, and a friend to the depressed teen around the corner, and one of the usual pack of scooter riders on your block and part of a homeschooled glee club on Tuesday and Thursdays. That would be a shocking form of natural birth control to those who haven’t been eased slowly in to parenthood over the years.

So, please go forth and lob them balls back to the nice parents near you. Let me know if they work. Also, please share with us all of the balls that went over the fence, or got stuck in the net or the ones that whacked your friendly opponent on the ankle.