There is this gem of a book I take out once or twice a year to make myself feel calmer.  I’m not talking about that Tao te Ching, although that works too. In this case, it is in regards to child rearing. But it is not a how-to book. It was written in 1946 by Gesell, Ilg and Ames and revised a few times since. The main name you might recognize is of Arnold Gesell, a prominent figure in the world of child development back in the day. The book is simply called The Child from Five to Ten

He and his co-scientists studied a wide range of young children up to age ten in England and wrote a book about typical ranges of behavior. It has that quaint 50’s feel in writing style, like an old b&w documentary you’re being forced to watch at the end of May in your swelteringly hot 9th grade gym class. The lilting cadences, the reassuring tones, the subtle humor, they all combine to make me feel vaguely sleepy and alright with the world. This is a commodity many a harrowed parent needs and cannot find in today’s parenting tomes which focus largely instead on huge behavioral problems and their pharmaceutical solutions.

There are so many extremely amusing examples I could insert here from the book to convince you of its value. But here is one that was particularly reassuring to me recently.

‘There is a definite contrast between the table manners of an 8-year-old at home and away from home. When a parent becomes too discouraged with the eight-year-old at home, she needs only to take him out to a restaurant or to invite a friend over for dinner! The stimulus is often sufficient spur to reveal latent possibilities, although it does not follow that the child will easily maintain the higher level.’

It goes on to describe how bolting down food, burping and demanding dessert early in the meal are common concerns, and although these children aged 8ish are likely to stay fairly well seated they are not beyond bending in half to look under the table a bit, or picking a fight with a sibling somehow. Oh yeah, they interrupt conversations with their own unrelated thoughts, drop their napkins a lot and play with the silverware. It doesn’t mention the occasional eating with your hands issues some of us still struggle to suppress, but you get the point. The book even suggests you seat said kid near to you to make it possible for you to give subtle hints about breaches in etiquette. Now, isn’t that hilarious? You mean, I do not have a hyper crazed society wrecking future hermit caveman on my hands? I don’t have to send anyone to finishing school? I have to practice the lost art of subtle hints with a child? This sounds…doable.

Of course, it does ultimately address more serious issues, like anger and agression, but still with the sense that these are expression that humans have within paremeters of their development, so no need to freak.

If you read on in the categories of motor skills, personal hygiene, ethical sense, philosophic outlook, fears and dreams, etc..you will walk a way with a strangely calm feeling that perhaps your kid is right on track with his or her development, or at least in a normal range of on track, and that is something you can live with. Now isn’t that a message most adults could use a huge does of?